I am a thinker. Danger. WE DO

  Part 1

okay i lied last time. school is out NOW. not then.

without the silence it isnt easy... is it better to just keep from thinking. we all know thinking is the cause of downfall. all geniouses... something fucked up happens to them. they go under.

"you cant trust a man who's forgot it all..."
".. you cant trust me"

i'm so glad i'm not a genious. i'm full of imperfections but i am not your average typical "human". at least i feel i am not. maybe i'm just the same. i dont wanna be one of those fuckers who makes it a point to be different. i dont want to be one of those fuckers who makes it a point to be liked. i wish i werent damned to being a fucker but i'm just a fucker.

i do wish to be special.

it's an idiot's wish. exerpt from above: "i'm full of imperfections but i am not your average typical 'human'. at least i feel i'm not." is there a possibility that the imperfections are what make me what i wish to be. i can't be special to myself. i dont think i can ever live up to expectations that high. i like to go back and refer to things said a while ago, like that "exerpt from above".. inappropriate timing eh?. i really had a reason for saying that. there was a primary purpose to it but i forgot. i dont care, do you?

back to the special thing. would i be a retard just to be special? hell no. individual thinking is a gift, i'll trust that, but i guess what i'm trying to say is.. gr... i cant believe i'm saying this.

i do wish to be special

.. but to someone. i imagine that it would be a great feeling to be wanted. it's strange though, at the same time i wonder about satisfaction in solitude.

i guess i finally figured out what this pansie shit fuck thing i'm writing in is for. it's one thing to get your mind off things, but it's another thing to get your mind off things but chunking those things onto something, then forgetting, then looking back on it and going hey. look at me. something.. goes here. i'm not sure what. if i ever fill in the blank __________ then i'll keep it in mind. i wonder if this makes me smarter or stupider.

deletion of these fucking.. mind-stuff.. brainleaks. these are dangerous. i can never emphasize enough that. brainleaks and people that think too much. it's dangerous stuff. but i'll never hit that extreme. as much as some may think i am never extremely something. (the statement prior to this parenthetical note is a lie.. i hope i didnt hurt anyone with it.)

hope.. not to hurt. here's some brain candy that you may or may not agree with... my judgement system. i believe that all my judgements, whether i disagree with them later or not.. are a good basis on what people are worth. no sense? example: innocents. i dont want to hurt them. the guilty. i wish to inflict.. well.. lamens terms.. i wish them to be fucked up. (malevolence). yeah. okay i'm a misanthrope in general. i make haste to judging others before they deserve it. image. i'm big on image. but i'm an ugly-ass fucker anyway, so i dont know why i can be like this.

if some jerk-off person looks like an asshole, they are an asshole. they may not be an asshole, but hey.. ASSHOLE.

i hate it when i'm like that and then i'm like.. hey. they arent so bad after all. i'm always fucking like that. oh well. i'm not gonna change. what boringness would it be had i not been that way.

singer of this band of people at my school. first impression judgements. didnt know many at all. much of the judgements were stupidly wrong, but for other members of that band i was more correct than... sticks. disappointed? just in what certain humans exist among us. whoever you are, you know exactly what i mean. there's never been a time in any person (i say this as if i KNEW) that they havent met or witnessed the actions of some dickface (stupid person) that made them just think "christ, humanity is shit"...

i still believe that. i still think basically humanity is shit. until i see the jolly fat guy that barely speaks english. he bought a van and completely donated it to poor stuff. it's a person who works to help people. (he fixes cars). he's always so.. jolly. he has messed up teeth and looks all dirty and stuff. and he lives in garland. it's so ghetto dirty there.

i still believe that. i still believe humanity is shit. there are few exeptions. i know. there are many. it's like a racist. if a majority of fucked upness is fucked up then they're all fucked up right? thus my opinion of humanity is summarized. i'm fucking.. humanity-acist.

there was something else i was gonna mention.. what was it... *thinks*.. i forgot. i have this feeling inside me it was important to "jot down" here.. SHIT. i hate that.

i lost it.

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