I am a thinker. Danger. WE DO

  Part 2

i must have thought too hard. you think that's possible? okay, now i'm just letting the thoughts drip down from my brain to my fingers.. this is pointless now. *sigh* the damn .. thing.. that i was thinking. is gone.

I REMEMBER!

okay it's my thought process. everything i think. i think is right. i know that sounds stupid to you.. whoever you are (hah).. but .. gr. i dont wanna say that. i dont think that's true... hmm..

dammit. i'd like to say something like "everyone should think like me" but that'd be so fucking stupid. yeah it is stupid. maybe i meant my moral ethics system. i dont know. i'm glad for this diversity i guess so i am not one to complain. my philosophies shouldnt be followed.

there's a reason i've been alone for 17 years, you know. there's a reason somewhere in there *pokes at head* there's a reason. i dont think it's in there.. well maybe. it's just ME. there's nothing to like. nothing to relate to. i fear the worst for myself in my stupid wanting stuff-ness. there's a reason (for everything). there is not a reason for everything.

i once opened my dangerous mind at school. people stop. i see their faces. they look with interest. oh my god. just thinking about it gives me a feeling of.. justice? hope? nono.. i dont know the word. something good. i leaked brainmatter into their eyes and ears. their eyes fixed upon me. i've never seen interest like that.

they'd drink the philosophy and i suppose i learned that if you give them a chance, if you allow them to listen and they allow themselves to listen... they'll grow interested.

i dont know what gave me that memory. the memory of the few times i opened my true thoughts to people.. GOOD GOD it's corny. but i keep seeing it. their interest!... shut up me. okay, here's one of the things.

earlier up there.. reasons. there is not a reason for everything. people are always looking for reasons. you cant search forever for something you will never find. HYPOCRITE. that's me. reasons... there truly isnt a reason for everything. you can trace it to a certain extent but.. the reasons. the questions that cant be answered. they cause people to think hard and spiny thoughts.

do you know what religion is? dont shoot me yet. ... hmm.. okay i'm not thinking before typing so i might disagree with me later. some smart guy knew that people look for reasons. he decided to use it constructively. if he answered their question for "why are we here?!? why a...r.e... we.. ALIVE?!"

he answered them. and he made them think that if they were good then good things would happen. so they became good.

this was a solution to scrub the evil off of some humans... some humans and their "souls". souls... that words is so figurative. it's so deep. *stops to think about it*

alright. this was surprisingly not boring. i think i like this better than just thinking. it's like being inside a bottle drinking the juice inside it. alll to yourself you greedy bastard. but drinking it from the outside.. what the fuck. i was being all metaphorical agian. fucking stupid emil. hey look i said my name.

i think what i was trying to say before i interrupted myself was that recording my thoughts is cooler than just thinking it cuz i can go back and review. maybe it is a good idea.

idea..

i cant help but continue to wonder. is this making me smarter or stupider. is it helping my "cause".. or is it slowing it down. no one knows what my GOAL (in all caps) is. not even me. some day i'll find it. someone once wished me luck in finding the goal. there is no reason is there. i thought i knew everything but.. the goal. i dont know. there are things that i wish to know. there are things that sometimes people think they'd be better off not knowing.

i'll always be confused in this area. but i'm done. i'm finished.

without the silence it isnt easy. but i still got it done.